Question of the Day

[jpskewedthrone]

Do vampires ever go to the dentist? I mean, what about blood sugar levels and such? Why have I not seen a short story dealing with dentists for vampires, or an urban fantasy with the dentist character taking care of vampires?

Discuss.

Comments

[mtlawson.livejournal.com]

::cough::

Um, Josh, I think you've got a hook for a short story, there.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

I thought of this before I posted. But I decided I'd play havoc with magazine editors everywhere, make them wonder why they suddenly get a slew of "Dentist to the Vampires!" stories.

[delkytlar.livejournal.com]

Seems to me that vampires, being undead and able to avoid physical corruption and decomposition, should be able to prevent tooth decay and plaque without the need of a dentist.

Braces, however, might do some of them some good. Maybe a visit to the orthodontist?

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Ah, but plaque and such isn't really caused by the body decomposing. It's bacteria outside the body working on the teeth. They wouldn't die and be undead like the body itself.

But "Orthodontist to the Vampires!" would also be a good story.

[delkytlar.livejournal.com]

Bacteria outside of the body are also a prime component in decomposition. So, if the vampire can fend off those bacteria, there is no reason he can't fend off the oral ones as well.

However, much as coffee stains the teeth, I'd think that blood would also (unless vampire saliva is an effective blood cleaner). So, maybe a trip to the Dental Hygenist for a cleaning?

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

True about the bacteria outside the body for regular decomp. And cleaning would seem to be a necessity.

[fire_my_spirit]

I like to think that because vampires, in order to survive, are predatory creatures, they have their own instinctive ways of taking care of their teeth and have also evolved to have teeth stronger than humans, in the same way that wolves and sharks and such do not need dentists.

But then I like vampires who are competent and unapologetically deadly. La.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Now this is an interesting idea. What are the grooming habits of the vampires, as related to their teeth? What would they do?

I remember a scene from "Shakespeare in Love" in which the main female character is using a piece of wood to clean her teeth before getting dressed up. I wonder if vampires would do something like that, or just brush withe a regular toothbrush. Or would the grooming be something different. What do wolves and sharks do?

[bearmountain.livejournal.com]

Wolves clean their teeth on bones. Everyone knows that. Sharks just replace their teeth at a constant rate. Hey, maybe vamps do that too? Replace them?

I read a novel...I think the vamp brushed his teeth before going somewhere or other with the heroine (I don't think she knew he was a vamp at that point. Could be wrong on the exact details.)

I would think sipping or drinking blood would leave a horrible aftertaste, but yanno, not my thing.

[catwithclaws.livejournal.com]

heh. a diabetic vampire! I'd love to see THAT.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

That could be interesting.

[lisamantchev.livejournal.com]

*will speak with The Boy at lunchtime, surely he has patients who are sparklepires, considering where we live....* XD

[mtlawson.livejournal.com]

Oh my.

I love that icon. Especially since our youngest lost her second tooth last night. (Finally! She was turning into a shark with the replacement tooth having completely come in behind the baby tooth.)

[lisamantchev.livejournal.com]

Feel free to yoink (there should be an icon credit on my pic page, if one was available when ~I~ ganked it!)

:D

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Please update us with the response. *grin*

[cedunkley.livejournal.com]

Well what happens to someone with dentures who is bit and turned into a vampire? He'd need a vampire dentist for teeth implants at least?

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Vampiric teeth implants! It's almost better than plastic surgery for zombies!

[celestinenox]

A girl in my junior year (high school, lo these many years ago) creative writing class wrote a story once about vampires and the AIDS virus.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've read a few stories about vamps and AIDS.

[celestinenox]

Really? Hers was the only one I've ever heard of, even though it's been, pfft, too long ago.

[shana.livejournal.com]

I think one of Kerrelyn Sparks' paranormals involves a dentist heroine...

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Not read her stuff, but I assumed the vampire dentist must be out there somewhere.

[martianmooncrab.livejournal.com]

there have been a couple of dentist to the vamp stories in the paranormal romance genre, the one that comes to mind is Dakota Cassidy's The Accidental Vampire.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I figured the idea was out there somewhere, which is why I posted the question here rather than saving it for my future bestselling breakout novel.

[martianmooncrab.livejournal.com]

Its all in the telling of the story, otherwise we would only have 12 books in our Libraries.

[eldestmuse.livejournal.com]

I wonder if it has anything to do with habit? And lack of need? I mean, most literary vampires are pretty old--centuries, even. Modern dentistry is a pretty newfangled thing, and a creature immune from aging and who doesn't chew all that much (and who presumably regenerates--most vampires manage injuries pretty well) wouldn't have many of the teeth problems older people tend to...

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

An interesting idea about cultural differences between vampires of different ages, relating to teeth anyway. *grin*

[shard-baenre.livejournal.com]

I read a story where a vamp lost his teeth and it had to be put back in place before sunrise and he died, never to regain his teeth. It was a romance novel.

There was also a story by Chris Pike that I read as a teenage. The main character converted a boy she cared for (she being very old) who had AIDS. In that story, the AIDS was "cured" because of the full blood transfer as she turned him.

I'm of the opinion that death and disease don't really matter to dead things. At the base of it, vampires are just zombies, who are aware and not decomposing. Presumably, if they are magic-based, the magic that sustains them and requires life via blood, would also heal disease such as that. Of course, it means you have to die first.

Science-based vampires really haven't tackled it, but most of those principles are seemingly based on magic anyway.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you can ignore the whole issue by saying that it's nonexistant because of the way the magic works. But still something to think about.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

I live to give you story ideas.

[martianmooncrab.livejournal.com]

The Fat White Vampire Blues by Andrew Fox... when he transformed into a bat, he was too fat to properly fly. One of the most funny books I have read.

[coneycat.livejournal.com]

I dunno about vampire dentists, but when I saw Van Helsing it was apparent from the werewolves' ears that they had been cropped and taped at some point, like a Doberman's in North America. Canine ears are not naturally that thin and upright. And I was sitting in the theatre distracted by the thought, "what kind of weird supernatural vet *crops a werewolf's ears?*"

I may not have been enthralled by the movie...

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Apparently you weren't all that enthralled. Can't say I was either, really.

[jjschwabach.livejournal.com]

You would need a silver drill to repair those incisors?

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Isn't that werewolves, not vampires?

[bearmountain.livejournal.com]

I don't think that blood suckers ever have to worry about blood sugar levels. It's pretty much a protein/pre-digested diet so-to-speak. There are stories of weakened vamps, due to not getting their, erm, diet on time. As for a dentist, that would assume decay. Only in the case of a vamp, if they are dead and not decaying, maybe that is why their teeth don't decay. I mean they are dead. So they should decay anyway, but they don't.

Look, if I meet a vamp, I'll be sure and ask after his dentist, assuming my crucifix holds. I'll let him know you're curious and send him your way. No, no need to thank me. Be happy to send him along.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Ah, you are ever so helpful sending the vampires my way.

[bearmountain.livejournal.com]

I always strive to be helpful. Ever so helpful.

[devilpony7.livejournal.com]

I'm toying with a not-a-high-school-vampire-romance, and I JUST threw in a line about Listerine being really, really painful when it gets in retractable fang sheaths. I think my newly-turned vampire is loosing her hygienic habits. :-)

As far as vampire biochemistry/metabolism stuff, I've always imagined that they use some sort of super-efficient photosynthesis analogue that overclocks in sunlight.

(de-lurking due to crazy synchroneity)

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Delurking is good! Please join the conversations when you feel like it.

An interesting theory about vampire biochem though.

[mamculuna.livejournal.com]

Would you put your hand in a vampire's mouth?

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

I would not put my hand in a vampire's mouth . . . but then I wouldn't do half of the stuff a regular doctor or dentist does anyway. There are people out there who DO like to do that kind of stuff. So you never know.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

So dentists can't be sexy? Where's the dentist union when you need it. *grin*

[kelly-swails.livejournal.com]

I think, sir, you've just stumbled upon an anthology idea. "The Paranormal Doctor's Office." 'Cause, you know ... werewolves. Vet or regular doctor? And vampires and dentists. And vampires and nutritionists. And do werecats need distemper shots? And ...

There's a ton of fodder here. I wanna go write a short story now.

[avengangle.livejournal.com]

Late to the party, but Robert Bloch actually wrote a (funny) short story about a vampire and a dentist. I think it's called "Tooth or Consequences." No idea when it was published. I read it in one of the Sub Press collections, but it's an ARC and doesn't have original publication dates.