Editing for Flow, Part 2

[jpskewedthrone]

Editing for Flow, Part 2

Last week, I posted a brief description of what it is to edit a piece for flow, what to look for, what to change, and why you would want to do this at this stage. What stage? This is the editing that I do in the first draft, when I'm first getting words down on paper. This is not a revision of the manuscript, it's just a slight polish of it before it's finished. Revisions come afterwards, once you know what the story arc is and what's important. At this stage, you don't know where the story is going, or what will be important. So this edit is more of a line-by-line look at the piece, a search for places where the words or sentences don't quite flow well, or well enough. A smoothing of the piece to get out some of the wrinkles.

I also gave everyone a small piece--literally one scene, and a short one for me at that--from my current work in progress. I thought perhaps everyone could take a look at the rough, rough, rough piece and look for what they might change, and then I could explain what I changed and why. Obviously, none of us will change the same things, because these changes are personal choices, things that have to do with what we personally think makes something smooth and flow well or not. Some of you emailed me with what you'd change, and that was great! I'd already made my own changes, so I got to compare what other people thought with what I changed, and question what I'd changed, and perhaps tweak things that I had changed (or not) based on what people said. Thanks for participating! The main reason I did it in this way (in two parts) was because I wanted everyone to think about this stuff on their own at first, before someone else intruded and voiced their opinion.

And I want to stress this before we get started: this is only my OPINION. I'm not saying this is the correct and only way to do this for this particular scene. This is not a lecture. This is not a writer telling everyone that this is how it's done and it's the only answer! I'm trying to use this example to show how I do it and what I look for and what I changed and why, so that you can think about my reasons and either agree or disagree with them. It's to give you an idea of what you might think about when you look at your own material for a line-by-line edit, questions you might ask yourself that perhaps you haven't asked yourself before. I certainly am not saying these are the only questions you should ask either. I'm still learning and improving, so I'm likely to miss some questions I should be asking at this stage. In fact, some of you that responded pointed out things I hadn't thought about, and I'll include those in my workup.

So now the workup. The original scene appears here if you missed it last week and would like to brush up on it, or try your hand at it, before reading the edited version. I'm going to break it down into paragraphs, talk about the changes I made, and then at the end give you the "final" scene. Obviously, the scene may change even more when I go back to it during the true revision process, but this is what I have at this point.

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His father returned to the hut after dark.

Colin sat before the fire. His mother sat on one of the sleeping pallets, Colin’s torn shirt in her lap, her needle and thread flashing in the light as she mended it. A pile of assorted clothes sat next to her; shirts and breeches and linens from a few of the surrounding members of Lean-to that also needed repair.

OK, I didn't change much here, just a comma to a semi-colon in the last sentence. However, many of you said that you didn't like the repetition of "sat" in all three sentences and I wanted to point out that I didn't see this at all when I read it. It didn't bother me, but that's probably because I like to use repetition like this. It's a style/voice thing I think. However, enough people pointed it out as bothersome that I should, in the revision process, take a closer look at it. And who knows, at the revision stage I might have noticed it because by then I'd have alot more distance from this scene. This editing is happening a day or two after the words first appeared, so there are things I won't see just because I'm too close to the words.

His parents looked at each other a moment after his father ducked through the entrance, his mother pausing in her work. Then his father’s gaze fell on Colin.

The "they" in the original piece, starting the first sentence, was too vague here, so it wasn't obvious who was looking at who and whatnot. So I changed that to "his parents" and I think that fixed that issue. A bunch of you noticed there was confusion as well here, and suggested changes. I think this was the easiest change to make to solve the problem; and if you have a choice, always go with the simple fix. Simple is always better. As long as it resolves the entire problem.

He moved toward the fire, reached forward to ruffle Colin’s hair, but Colin ducked his head and shifted out of the way.

“Colin, come here.”

When Colin didn’t move, his father squatted down next to him by the fire with a grunt and held out his hand. “I have something for you.”

He still hadn’t forgiven his father, but he couldn’t help himself. He looked, then frowned.

His father held what appeared to be a wadded up ball of string.

One of the things I find I always have to add after the fact is emotional content. I think in the first writing, I haven't figured out how everyone feels about things yet, or it hasn't solified for me, so I don't include it until after I know where the scene is going and add it in later. So I added some of what Colin was feeling, some of his resentment for his father. But he's also 12, so of course his curiousity is going to supercede that.

This is also a spot where taking the scene out of context didn't help. I know what happened before this scene, where there was a huge argument between mother and father that Colin witnessed. This scene is sort of the father's reconciliation with the mother, as well as resolving one of the problems that started the argument. I don't think anything more needs to be said regarding how Colin feels besides the two sentences, because of what was written before this. Some of you added alot more regarding the emotions of the characters, but of course you didn't have the surrounding scenes to support those emotions.

I also didn't like the . . . succinctness of the last line. Normally I go for the simplest sentence, the simplest structure, but it just didn't feel right, especially after inserting the paragraph before it. That paragraph threw off the connection between the father sitting and holding out the "string" and Colin actually looking at it. So I tried to connect the actions back together. I'm still not totally happy with this, but that's what I have now and will leave it until I come back for the revisions.

“What is it?”

His father grinned. “Take it.”

As Colin pulled it from his father’s hand, his father settled down beside him. Unraveling the loose ends of the straps, Colin realized it wasn’t a wad of string, but of leather. In its center, a wide rectangular piece of leather was wrapped around a knotted ball. The straps were tied to the rectangular piece through slits in the leather. One of the straps had ties on the end; the other ended in the knotted ball.

“It’s a sling,” his father explained after making himself comfortable. “I made it this afternoon.”

I moved the grinning up earlier, just to get it in sooner, to give the reader the father's emotional context to compare to Colin's. The middle paragraph needed some serious reworking. Notice that the words themselves didn't change that much, but the structure of the sentences was completely reworked. Sentences were too long in the unedited version, too convoluted, and thus too confusing, I thought. So I made the sentences simpler.

“You made him a sling?” his mother asked sharply. “What for?”

“So he can protect himself,” his father barked. Then he drew in a shuddering breath and said more calmly, “So he can defend himself from Walter and his gang.”

His mother’s silence spoke volumes.

“Ana, he needs something he can use to protect himself from those bastards. He needs to be able to fight back.”

“He shouldn’t need to fight back at all.”

“No, he shouldn’t. But I don’t think anyone in Portstown, least of all the Proprietor, is going to do anything about it. Walter’s the Proprietor’s son for God’s sakes! Colin’s almost twelve. I think he can handle a sling. I had one when I was his age. Unless you’d rather I give him a knife to defend himself with?”

His mother’s eyes narrowed. “No. I don’t want Colin running around with a knife.”

This section is where having the previous argument scene would have helped quite a bit, since it's apparent that this is part of an ongoing tension between the mother and father. I didn't change much here because of that. In fact, the argument was the preceding scene, so it would be in the forefront of the reader's mind while reading this. They'd understand the context. The only significant change is the mother's reaction in the last paragraph. Originally, she frowned, but as one of you pointed out in your responses, that reaction didn't seem subtle enough. I agreed, and so I changed it . . . but hesitantly. Mainly because I'm wary of using the "eyes narrowing" phrase. It's one that I tend to use alot, and I'm hyper aware of it. There are alot of phrases and words that you become hyper aware of, because you use them alot without even realizing it. It usually takes someone else pointing them out before you notice exactly HOW often you're using them. One of mine is the "eyes narrowing" thing. I'm working on it.

Also, it was previously established that the age when a boy is considered an adult and can make his own decisions is 12, which is why the 12-year-old thing is so important here.

“Then the sling will have to do.” He hesitated a moment, then added, “I can’t do anything about finding work, not now. At least let me try to fix this.”

Colin thought his mother would argue more, but she only closed her eyes and shook her head before returning to her mending.

Colin’s father breathed a sigh of relief, barely audible, and the tension in his shoulders eased. He turned to Colin and smiled. The first real smile Colin had seen on his face in months.

“Tomorrow morning, I’ll take you out to the plains and we’ll see if I can remember how to use it,” he said.

And now we get to the real heart of the scene: the emotional resolution of the argument from the previous scene. Notice it's not a real resolution--the argument is still there, the real problem hasn't been fixed--but the parents have resolved the argument between themselves as best it can be resolved at this point. Again, didn't change alot, but I did do some word tweakage. I didn't like the phrase "will have to work", so I changed work to do. Mainly because the sling isn't a permanent solution. It's the start of a solution. Work suggests more permanence to me; do doesn't. I also didn't like the placement of "at least" in the dialogue after that. The father can't solve the work issue at the moment, and putting the at least on the next sentence makes it sound more like he's asking for some form of forgiveness from his wife, a forgiveness that she grants by not arguing with him further. While messing with this, I actually had "at least" in there in both places, but that was too much repetition. I do think it needs to be in both places--in the original location because it suggests that he's going to fix the work issue (which doesn't happen but . . .), and in the final placement because he is asking for forgiveness. But I couldn't do it. I know, I know; I can repeat "sat" three times in a row at the beginning, but can't repeat "at least" twice here at the end. I'm weird.

One other thing that was brought up by some of you that responded was that Colin wasn't doing anything near the fire. What was he doing? Just playing with sticks in the fire. I may add this at the very beginning later on. I haven't at this stage because I'm not certain how important it is to include that. It doesn't have anything to do with the scene itself, which is mainly about the mother and father resolving the argument. The mother needed something to do because she uses that (the mending) to forgive the father by returning to it, something mundane, rather than continuing the argument with him.

Anyway, here is the final scene without all the authorly commentary futzing it up, and some commentary at the very end. *grin*



**********************************



His father returned to the hut after dark.

Colin sat before the fire. His mother sat on one of the sleeping pallets, Colin’s torn shirt in her lap, her needle and thread flashing in the light as she mended it. A pile of assorted clothes sat next to her; shirts and breeches and linens from a few of the surrounding members of Lean-to that also needed repair.

His parents looked at each other a moment after his father ducked through the entrance, his mother pausing in her work. Then his father’s gaze fell on Colin.

He moved toward the fire, reached forward to ruffle Colin’s hair, but Colin ducked his head and shifted out of the way.

“Colin, come here.”

When Colin didn’t move, his father squatted down next to him by the fire with a grunt and held out his hand. “I have something for you.”

He still hadn’t forgiven his father, but he couldn’t help himself. He looked, then frowned.

His father held what appeared to be a wadded up ball of string.

“What is it?”

His father grinned. “Take it.”

As Colin pulled it from his father’s hand, his father settled down beside him. Unraveling the loose ends of the straps, Colin realized it wasn’t a wad of string, but of leather. In its center, a wide rectangular piece of leather was wrapped around a knotted ball. The straps were tied to the rectangular piece through slits in the leather. One of the straps had ties on the end; the other ended in the knotted ball.

“It’s a sling,” his father explained after making himself comfortable. He grinned. “I made it this afternoon.”

“You made him a sling?” his mother asked sharply. “What for?”

“So he can protect himself,” his father barked. Then he drew in a shuddering breath and said more calmly, “So he can defend himself from Walter and his gang.”

His mother’s silence spoke volumes.

“Ana, he needs something he can use to protect himself from those bastards. He needs to be able to fight back.”

“He shouldn’t need to fight back at all.”

“No, he shouldn’t. But I don’t think anyone in Portstown, least of all the Proprietor, is going to do anything about it. Walter’s the Proprietor’s son for God’s sakes! Colin’s almost twelve. I think he can handle a sling. I had one when I was his age. Unless you’d rather I give him a knife to defend himself with?”

His mother’s eyes narrowed. “No. I don’t want Colin running around with a knife.”

“Then the sling will have to work.” He hesitated a moment, then added, “I can’t do anything about finding work, not now. At least let me try to fix this.”

Colin thought his mother would argue more, but she only closed her eyes and shook her head before returning to her mending.

Colin’s father breathed a sigh of relief, barely audible, and the tension in his shoulders eased. He turned to Colin and smiled. The first real smile Colin had seen on his face in months.

“Tomorrow morning, I’ll take you out to the plains and we’ll see if I can remember how to use it,” he said.



*****************************

Just to emphasize some of my earlier writing posts, notice that I'd rate this scene as "good" but not "great" because it advanced the plot (Colin now has a weapon) and it advances character (both the mother, father, and Colin to some degree), but not the setting. I did advance the setting a little--the fact that the mother is mending clothes that are not the family's clothes is important even though you don't see why here--but not significantly. I'm usually happy with "good" scene, especially ones that are this small. Most of my scenes are much longer than this, in which case I work harder to try to get in all three parts of a scene.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. Thanks again to everyone who responded to part 1 of the post. It was great to see what people looked for! And feel free to comment on the changes I made and why I made them, either agreeing or disagreeing. Like I said, this is probably not the final version of this, but I'll leave any future changes for the revision stage of the process.

Now to go work on my novel_in_90 word count. This took longer to write up than I thought it would. And I've got appointments this afternoon, so much less time to write today.

Comments

[chichiri-no-da.livejournal.com]

That was very neat to see. I didn't get a chance to do the first part, though I really wanted to, but it was helpful to see what you did here.

I do the same thing you do, read over what I'd done before to get the feel and continue, and I find it interesting to meet other people who do that. My wife doesn't do that at all, and in fact hates stopping in the middle of a scene. She says if she stops in the middle, the rest of the scene will feel different because she will be feeling different when she picks it up again. In contrast, I might deliberately stop in the middle of a scene so that I CAN pick it up, reread to pick up the emotional context, and continue the flow, rather than having to start a brand new scene when I sit down the next day.

And I generally do line edits like you do, while I'm rereading.