Critique Wanted

[jpskewedthrone]

Today's writing session didn't end where I'd hoped to have it end . . . but that's because a new scene popped up and I felt I had to write it. It concerns "belief", as in, what do you believe in? Varis asked herself this question, because religion seems to be entering into the third book more heavily than I suspected. It was an interesting question, one that does not get resolved in this scene, and may not be resolved for Varis even by the end of the book. Her religion is in motion, so to speak.

In any case, much more wordage than yesterday and I don't feel so far behind that I won't get the chapter finished by the end of the week. We'll see how it looks on Friday. I at least ended the writing today on a cliffhanger, so picking it back up tomorrow shouldn't be a problem.

In the meantime, here's what I have written for the back of the Cracked Throne postcard. Take a look and see if it snags your interest at all. Make suggestions for revision if you want, but keep in mind this is the back of a POSTCARD. Actually, it's only half the back of a postcard. I'm probably pushing my limits on wordage for it as it is. After that, there's the wordage meter, as usual:

The Cracked Throne, by Joshua Palmatier
A DAW Hardcover, November 2006
ISBN: 0756404037
www.sff.net/people/jpalmatier

The assassin Varis has seized control of the Skewed Throne and now rules as Mistress of Amenkor. Unprepared, not certain who she can trust, she has taken power at the most perilous point in Amenkor’s long history. For even as the city hovers on the brink of starvation during a harsh winter, Varis finds herself haunted by a horrifying vision: Amenkor in ruins, its harbor watch towers destroyed, the city engulfed in flames, wrecked ships sinking in waters stained red with blood.

A forgotten enemy has returned.
And they’re closer than anyone thinks.

56,250 / 100,000 (56.3%)

Vacant Throne

Comments

[authorm.livejournal.com]

I like it! If you're looking to cut out words you could say "she's taken power" instead of she had and Varis is haunted instead of finds herself. If you need further tightening, you could say vision: Amenkor's harbor watch etc. (because all of that would imply it's in ruins.)

But if you CAN fit all that on the card, it's great the way it is! :

Where do you get your postcards and who do you send them to?

M

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

three cliches you might be able to shimmy down:

not certain whom she can trust

hovers on the brink of starvation

finds herself haunted by

--can you find a taut verb or an adjective with zing to replace these? (or even a preposition...'in a city near starvation')

[jeffpalmatier.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this is any good, but it might cut down on the number of words:

The assassin Varis has seized control of the Skewed Throne and now rules as Mistress of Amenkor. Unprepared to rule and mistrustful of all, she has taken power at the nadir of Amenkor’s long history. In a freezing and starving city, a horrifying vision haunts Varis: Amenkor in ruins and engulfed in flames, its harbor watch towers destroyed, with its wrecked ships sinking in the blood-soaked waters.

[coolmajaka.livejournal.com]

Reformed/former assassin Varis now controls the Skewed Throne and rules as Mistress of Amenkor. Unprepared, not certain who she can trust, she has stumbled into power at the most perilous point in Amenkor’s troubled history. Though a harsh winter has brought the reality of starvation, Varis finds herself haunted by an even worse vision: Amenkor in flames, its harbor watch towers destroyed, citizens fleeing, while wrecked ships slide below waves stained red with blood.

A forgotten enemy has returned.

And they’re closer than anyone thinks.

_________________

For what it's worth. Use all of it, or ignore completely, I'm cool either way ;)

[jeffpalmatier.livejournal.com]

By the way, I only included the part that I revised. I forgot to include the last two sentences, which I think are a good hook.

Since I inserted "to rule", on second thought maybe I should have said "to govern" to add some variety.

[jennifer-dunne.livejournal.com]

Well, it makes a much longer opening sentence but does away with repeating that she took power...

Unprepared and uncertain whom to trust, the assassin Varis has seized control of the Skewed Throne and now rules as Mistress of Amenkor, at the most perilous point in Amenkor’s long history. For even as the city hovers on the brink of starvation during a harsh winter, Varis is haunted by a horrifying vision: Amenkor in ruins, its harbor watch towers destroyed, the city engulfed in flames, and wrecked ships sinking in waters stained red with blood.

A forgotten enemy has returned.
And they’re closer than anyone thinks.

[jennifer-dunne.livejournal.com]

P.S. -- Alhambra will be a nice bribe to get these done. :-)

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the suggestions! I order my postcards from Vistaprint online. And I generally don't mail them out. Instead I take them to cons, signings, readings, etc. I also give them to bookstores to hand out to customers who might be interested. I know the people at the local Waldenbooks said that they pushed the book using the cards and that it worked. (PS--postcards at bookstores only work if there's someone at the bookstore willing to push the book.) If I have a special event, like a fundraiser where I'll be signing my book with profits going to the organization, then I'll use the cards to mail to the people on their mailing list.

But I don't do mailings to like, say, all the SFWA members or anything.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll work on the cliches . . . although the nice thing about cliches is that they give a particular image and when you don't have much space . . .

In fact, all of these cliches appear in the cover copy of the book. I believe.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the suggestions! I like the rewording of the destroyed city. That was the biggest line bothering me. I'll have to play with that.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the crit! I like the "stumbled" and "Amenkor's troubled history". And I was having trouble with the destroyed city image, so I'll have to play with that and your rewrite.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I didn't like the repeated "take power" thing either. I'll have to continue playing with it.

[jpsorrow.livejournal.com]

Alhambra it is. I'll have to remember to bring the game.

[authorm.livejournal.com]

I get mine from Vistaprint toooooo! And so far I've just been giving them out and handing them out to folks. Didn't bother with bookstores, though I have sent some bookmarks.

[jeffpalmatier.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the kind words. Remember that famous story about the writer who apologizes for the long letter, but he didn't have the time to make it shorter? :-) I think that in revising/reworking our prose, making said prose tighter is one of most challenging aspects to the revision process. In the process of revising my novel, I've been doing a lot of condensing my prose. Most of my reasons for doing so is aesthetic, but I'm also hoping to cut down on the overall length of my novel so agents and editors don't say: "It's how long?! Forget it!" :-P

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Cover copy has more space, but in a post card, "hovered on the brink of" could be just as well expressed as "near" etc. (imo. Could be wrong, wouldn't be the first time!)